Later that day...

I feel okay one minute, and the next, I feel like I am drowning in the infertility nightmare.Women who have been at it longer or have gone further into treatments or who have zero chance at all probably would think i'm nuts. But I feel like i'm never getting anywhere in this never-ending maze of doctors and treatments and medications and pain and surgeries and sonograms and bloodwork. I'm just so tired and almost feel betrayed that the people in my family who passed away aren't snapping their fingers up in heaven to finally fix my broken heart by allowing me to have what i've been longing for for so long. And then I think that's so silly because if that were the case- nobody would be suffering from this awful, cruel thing called infertility. I just want to scream and cry and kick someone. I want to yell at that person that I don't want to feel like a failure as a woman anymore because I can't attain a pregnancy. 28 million sperm can't penetrate one of my 3 apparently iron-clad eggs. The one pregnancy I did manage to have- I, of course, was unable to hold onto my child. I don't want to feel guilty that I can't give my husband a baby. I'm tired of feeling jealous of all the girls around me getting pregnant at the snap of a finger, or angry at the women who truly do not deserve to be mothers. I yell at God asking why them and not me?? What have I done to deserve this??? Then I hate myself for all of the self pity I feel when so many women are going through the same thing at this very moment. Or- they are going through something much worse.I am trying so hard to put on a happy face and keep up the positive attitude. Everyone tells me - "so-you try again!"- like i'm trying to perfect the baking of a difficult cake and my first attempt burned to a crisp. The reality is- I KNOW I will try again. I will stop at nothing to become a mother, I don't care what it takes. I just wanted it to work THIS time, not next time. It just hurts in a way that no one would understand until they have put on the same brave face I have on- when on the inside they are screaming, trying to claw their way through to the light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel.