Yesterday was definitely the saddest day in my life and in the lives of my family members.
My absolutely incredible 19 year old cousin passed away in her sleep a month short of her 20th birthday.
We weren't really as close in recent years as we had been when we were younger. It's not that we didn't want to be, we just had things going on. We were always laughing and joking when we were together and we had a good relationship.
I still cannot wrap my head around this. I feel like it's not really happening, like it's just a dream, but it won't go away. Everytime I close my eyes I can see her face, completely still, with the intubator tube in her mouth. I can feel her cool, stiff skin on my hand. As much as I regret going in to see her like that, i'm glad that I did. It will be the last time I ever get to see her looking like Lauren. When we see her at the wake, she will be caked in makeup and looking not like herself. It makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking of her looking that way. I don't know how we will all be able to handle seeing her lying in a coffin. She was too young to die. She didn't get to live out her life. It's just so, so unfair.
I will never forget eating snow cones together on her swing set. I would always finish first and she would share the rest of hers with me. I will never forget overflowing the dishwasher into the kitchen and there was about 3 feet of bubbles everywhere that we tried to scoop up with spoons. I will never forget her sleeping over my house and her not letting me sleep because she always wanted to stay up all night when we had sleep overs, so I slept in my closet. I will never forget her hitting me in the head with hangars to wake me up when we were little. I will never forget her teasing me for being the corn server one thanksgiving for the needy. I will never forget when she made me french toast that was so disgusting it made my stomach turn just looking at it. I will never forget her being one of the first to call me when I had a miscarriage just to tell me she was sorry and she loved me. I will never forget how she always gave me a hug and told me she loved me whenever I saw her. I will never forget that she always said, "remember when..." and recounted many of these memories. I will never forget that her last Facebook message to me said "I miss you." I will never forget that I didn't get a chance to say it back.
My absolutely incredible 19 year old cousin passed away in her sleep a month short of her 20th birthday.
We weren't really as close in recent years as we had been when we were younger. It's not that we didn't want to be, we just had things going on. We were always laughing and joking when we were together and we had a good relationship.
I still cannot wrap my head around this. I feel like it's not really happening, like it's just a dream, but it won't go away. Everytime I close my eyes I can see her face, completely still, with the intubator tube in her mouth. I can feel her cool, stiff skin on my hand. As much as I regret going in to see her like that, i'm glad that I did. It will be the last time I ever get to see her looking like Lauren. When we see her at the wake, she will be caked in makeup and looking not like herself. It makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking of her looking that way. I don't know how we will all be able to handle seeing her lying in a coffin. She was too young to die. She didn't get to live out her life. It's just so, so unfair.
I will never forget eating snow cones together on her swing set. I would always finish first and she would share the rest of hers with me. I will never forget overflowing the dishwasher into the kitchen and there was about 3 feet of bubbles everywhere that we tried to scoop up with spoons. I will never forget her sleeping over my house and her not letting me sleep because she always wanted to stay up all night when we had sleep overs, so I slept in my closet. I will never forget her hitting me in the head with hangars to wake me up when we were little. I will never forget her teasing me for being the corn server one thanksgiving for the needy. I will never forget when she made me french toast that was so disgusting it made my stomach turn just looking at it. I will never forget her being one of the first to call me when I had a miscarriage just to tell me she was sorry and she loved me. I will never forget how she always gave me a hug and told me she loved me whenever I saw her. I will never forget that she always said, "remember when..." and recounted many of these memories. I will never forget that her last Facebook message to me said "I miss you." I will never forget that I didn't get a chance to say it back.
Hers was the hand I held during my poppop's service and my aunt's service. She came to me and hugged me and held my hand so tightly. I can't believe I won't have her hand to hold this weekend.
My heart is breaking for her life cut too short. For her mom and dad who will truly never be the same. For the rest of us who never get to see her smile again. For me, for not having seen her in a month and a half, and not getting to tell her I love her. For my child who will never get to know her, and the amazing person she truly was.
I hope she knows how much we all loved her and how much she will be forever missed. Her absence has already formed a huge whole in our family and in all of our hearts.
Lauren, I know you are shining down on us from your place in heaven. Please help us all heal and overcome the tragedy of losing you. Please, somehow let you mom know you are okay.
I will love you forever.
My heart is breaking for her life cut too short. For her mom and dad who will truly never be the same. For the rest of us who never get to see her smile again. For me, for not having seen her in a month and a half, and not getting to tell her I love her. For my child who will never get to know her, and the amazing person she truly was.
I hope she knows how much we all loved her and how much she will be forever missed. Her absence has already formed a huge whole in our family and in all of our hearts.
Lauren, I know you are shining down on us from your place in heaven. Please help us all heal and overcome the tragedy of losing you. Please, somehow let you mom know you are okay.
I will love you forever.
